Getting Ready....Breathing....Preparing...

Every time I complete a huge task, like a flyer for 8 upcoming workshops and 2 guest featured artists, plus a musician....and more :D...I always know that I need to clean.

When I am in the zone, I weigh in the importance of tasks being completed - even if I know the dishes in the sink need to be washed - they can wait, even though it bothers me. I really, really make sure I set time aside to get everything I need to get done, done.

It's not easy with 3 dogs, but it's actually much easier with the 3rd - because Dolce now has a play friend. Before, she would be constantly on me like crazy because she's 4 working breeds - she needs constant work, constant exercise or stimulation - or simply, attention. Lynx is quite similar, but Dolce still has 2 x more energy than Lynx, and endurance/longevity. 

But, it's actually better with three than it was with 2 - Blaze, ALSO gets a break. And, as of two days ago....I noticed a slight paralysis happening on the left side of her face, and research indicates it's from a deep underlying ear infection - that the vets should have addressed before/after the hematoma - as it was probably the underlying cause...

I am annoyed, because of course it happens the week before I am about to be busy, have zero income, and now really worried about Blaze again...

I am at a point where I don't know who to ask for help anymore - I have no where to turn. And I am feeling like those movies where you see the person turning to God because they literally have NO ONE. Like, it's a trap - lets be honest. "Here, sad kid, ya want some candy? See? Look at what God did for you! Here! Let us pay your rent" /sellssoul ...sigh

But, I have cleaned a lot and tidied up a lot in the last 2 days since finalizing the flyer - it always feels like a weight has been lifted and now I can focus on other things....like weeding several decals to get it out of the way before this weekeend...

Like finalizing 8 works of art before this weekend to have as visuals....

Like finding chairs to have at the event with only $120 to my name - when I need $1k in 2 days for rent...and $400 for past due electric...

I am REALLY needing a W. REALLY.

If I would happen to sell out of the PAID workshops - at 10 seats - I would have exactly 1k....sigh. I am being hopeful, but got'damn if I am not fkn scared shitless these landlords are going to be jerks and say that maybe I need to find a new place to move....after I have cleaned up their entire backyard....I just am so worried...it's month to month...if it were 6 mo - 1 year lease, I wouldn't be so fkn worried.....and the track record from what I have been told from the community here is NOT good...they have a horrible reputation here. 

Anyway....I am not going to share this with anyone - so if someone finds it, I guess they may actually care how I am doing....

This is how I am doing....I am writing a blog/journal entry to help me sort and deal with my life. Wish I had some capital to fall back on....something right now. ANything. 

Even if a Loan....I would be forever grateful, tack on some interest if not paid back by this time...and lets go. This constant state of anxiety and panic in my chest is definitely not good for me.....I can feel it....